I totally get what you're saying, Evie, and this is a question I think about a lot!

You're asking if the structure of polyamory, specifically, can cause people to stay too long in relationships that are no longer working or have significant incompatibilities or would maybe be better to end. Does the ability to date multiple people tempt poly people to choose not to break up when they should? This is a great topic!

I think your question applies more broadly than just for long-term, financially entangled partnerships.

I've been dating a poly guy, Blue, for a few months. I like him a lot, we have a blast when we're together, we have great chemistry, we're developing deeper feelings for each other, and we're excited about a lot of activities we'd like to do together in the upcoming year.

But I'm not very satisfied in the relationship. There are some sexual incompatibilities, he lives inconveniently far away in an apartment I have trouble sleeping in, his schedule with his other partner(s) and friends and work is very busy, his communication style when we're apart doesn't really match mine, and his long-term life plans don't align with mine.

If I were monogamous, I'd have to say it's not working and not what I'm looking for.

But because I'm poly, I have other options. I can date more than one person. Blue would be a fantastic partner for me if I also had another partner (or partners) who lived closer to me and had more time (and sex!) for me.

So does that mean I stay in a relationship in which I feel unsatisfied while I look for a second partner? What if I don't find another partner for a long a time? Do I grow frustrated with Blue in the meanwhile? But, even if I broke up with Blue, that wouldn't magically get me a new relationship either.

I believe that polyamory allows for the possibility of multiple meaningful relationships, including with people I would not be totally compatible with if I were monogamous. That is exactly the joy and the feature and the purpose of polyamory, for me.

But, given this philosophy, how can I tell when I am TOO incompatible with someone? Especially because I also believe in relationship anarchy, in which relationships can take any form--casual, platonic, etc., not just serious & loving. And, I'm also solo poly, building a life on my own and not needing to be compatible to live with someone or become entangled financially.

So, if I have feelings for someone and have fun with them, is that enough to stay with them when I also want other things that won't be possible with them? If I feel frustrated in a relationship, is that because I'm only in one relationship, when I desire more than one? Or does it mean the relationship isn't working?

I'm not looking for specific advice for my situation, I just mean this as discussion of Evie's question.

Furthermore, I've pondered this same question during the demise of my 12-year relationship with Eli. Our opposites-attract poly relationship worked for a decade. Our differing needs (mine for alone time, his for more sex/kink and extroverted social activities) were perfectly met by our relationship structure: living apart and being poly. I never felt unsatisfied with Eli even though I was too busy to have my own other relationships (although I was planning to seek a second relationship after my elder care obligations ended).

Then, Eli's personality changed as he developed chronic health issues and mental health issues, and coped with drugs, and made repeatedly crazier and more drama-filled choices in terms of his living situation and other partners. I became deeply unhappy. Eli refused to change his behaviors, but insisted I wouldn't be frustrated with him if I put effort into dating someone else. He did not want to break up, and felt me being more poly would be the solution to our problems.

A part of me agreed, and I definitely wanted a second partner at that time. I started dating Rick. But Eli's behavior toward me got more cruel and self-centered as his health problems got worse. I was on the verge of breaking up with him when he broke up with me, and I was relieved.

In some ways, my relationship structure with Eli made the breakup easier. We didn't live together and weren't deeply entangled financially (although we were each other's beneficiaries, and I had a room at his house that I had to move out of). I had already met someone else because I was poly, so I didn't go from partnered to totally single. The transition felt smooth.

However, I think if I'd been monogamous, I would have broken up with Eli a couple years earlier, when his life choices began to negatively impact me. I told myself I didn't have to leave him because we were poly--I could just be independent from the parts of his life I wasn't compatible with, and shape a very non-traditional relationship around our compatibilities.

While that fits my philosophy, in practice, it wasn't the right choice. Polyamory (or relationship anarchy) kept me staying in a relationship I should have left.

In addition, my philosophy of relationship anarchy had kept me attempting to maintain a friendship with Eli for months and years after the breakup, when that wasn't working either.