DEAR BONNIE: My husband says I seek others’ approval before I make any decisions. He thinks it’s because I do not love and trust myself enough. Is that a thing? I do know looking back at life that I have held myself back because of self-confidence and being assured in my life. Thanks, Trina

DEAR TRINA: We spend so much of our lives looking outward for validation. From our earliest days we are taught to seek approval in report cards and career milestones and titles and the opinions of those around us. We measure our worth by how much we give and how tirelessly we produce and how seamlessly we fit into the expectations of others. Yet, even in a room full of applause, an unmistakable quiet void can remain if we have not built a relationship with the person staring back at us in the mirror.

Self-love is often misunderstood. In a fast-paced world it is frequently reduced to bubble baths or luxury treats or superficial pampering. While gentle comforts are always welcome, true self-love runs far deeper than a temporary escape. It is not an act of vanity or self-indulgence; it is the quiet daily commitment to come home to yourself. It is the radical decision to stop treating yourself as a fixer-upper project and start honoring yourself as a living, evolving soul.

The journey to finding self-love almost always begins with allowance. For so long we hold ourselves to impossible standards, replaying old mistakes and holding onto harsh inner critiques. Real self-love asks us to lay down that heavy armor. It begins when you look at your tired days and your unpolished edges and your human stumbles not with judgment but with profound compassion. It is recognizing that every scar and setback was simply part of the path that brought you to this moment.

Forgiveness is the essential bridge in this process. So often the biggest barrier to loving who we are today is our lingering anger toward who we were yesterday. We must forgive ourselves for the boundaries we didn’t set and the relationships we stayed in too long and the times we failed to stand up for our own hearts. You did the best you could with the awareness you had at the time. Releasing that past guilt opens up space for self-respect to take root.

In practical terms, self-love lives in your daily choices. It shows up when you say “no” to commitments that drain your spirit so you can say “yes” to your own peace. It is found in how you speak to yourself when nobody else is listening — choosing words of encouragement over criticism. It is allowing yourself time for stillness whether that means sipping a warm drink in quiet solitude or walking in nature or simply taking three deep intentional breaths amidst a busy day.

When you cultivate this inner sanctuary the world around you begins to transform. You stop seeking external validation because you are already grounded in your own worth. You attract healthier connections because you no longer settle for less than the love and respect you readily give yourself.

Self-love is not a distant finish line you reach after fixing all your flaws. It is the steady gentle light by which you walk through every single day. Start today by taking a deep breath and placing a hand over your heart and offering yourself the same tenderness you so freely give to the rest of the world.

Trina please know that life does send us curve balls but they are meant to make our spirits grow stronger with a love for ourselves. Don’t look at the things that held you back but look forward to tomorrow with all the knowledge you have gained.

Bonnie Page is a grief coach, spiritual counselor and psychic medium. If you want to find out more about her please visit her website www.bonniepagemedium.com If you would like to ask a question for her column please send it to bonnie@bonniepagemedium.com