On June 30, 2026, the initial article on the non-Pulitzer Prize publication, “The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm” (2010, James Napoli, Sterling Publishing Company, New York/London) was recently imposed on the public.

As promised, (short of censorship, death threats, and ouster from the community’s most honored social club by either of two competing administrations), the second episode designed to win friends and influence people, (sorry Mr. Carnegie) follows:

Letter B

1. BAR: A place where lonely, desperate people go to get hammered enough to find other lonely, desperate people suddenly irresistible. (Leonard’s, Play Late club, Fontaine’s, Go-Go Club, Brass Register, etc.)

2. BASEBALL: A spectator sport known as “the great American pastime,” largely because so much time passes while waiting for each game to end. There are many traditions associated with a day at the ballpark, including the consumption of sodium-rich foods and a beer-like substance that may actually be reconstituted urine. There is also the charming tradition of the park organist, whose many prompts get the crowd to cheer “Charge” in the top of the ninth inning! Baseball fans are known for their love of statistics, including batting averages, RBIs, and ERAs. Another interesting statistic is that one could combine the yearly income of every working-stiff fan seated in the left-field bleacher section and it still would not equal the weekly salary of the average bench warmer; (Alternative sources are soccer, watch paint dry, or professional wrestling, with the exception of being the Savannah Bananas)

3. BEACH: A place where the majestic ocean and its miles of luxurious sand are transformed into a petri dish of potential staph infections by an unruly mob of overstressed people trying to stay put, many of whom did not get the memo about how having a prodigious pot belly and wearing a speedo simply do not mix. (Although stylish)

4. BEGGER: Someone reduced to soliciting strangers for charity. (See Dodds Ave, 20^th and Market Streets, East Ridge’s roundabout, etc.)

5. BICYCLE: A pedal-driven, human-powered conveyance used by people who think they’re making some kind of big statement about the environment just by riding one. Sure, they’re all in better shape than you could ever hope to be, and, ok, so sometimes they ride a 10K marathon to raise money for leukemia research and everything, but what they don’t know is that they look geeky in those helmets. So there. (Forty side by side riders on Chestnut Street, Main Street and Crest Road, (Missionary Ridge) can’t be wrong)

6. BLOG: Any of various internet destinations maintained by tragically deluded people who actually think you are interested in their all-time favorite Corey Haim movies, their typo-ingested rants about dating scene, or their minute-by-minute updates chronicling the growth of their mewling, vomit-stained infant captured in quicktime video. (The millions of viewers said topics demonstrated why cell phones should be prohibited for students below a certain age)

7. BOAT: A vessel meant for traveling on water, which is commonly taken to sea, a grand total of one time before realization hits that it is an unwieldy, high-maintenance money-suck that was really only purchased to prove something to all those bastards in high school who said you would never make it. (But not the “Lady Helen!”)

8. BORDER: A line between geographical regions. Often zealously guarded, to prevent the people who want to come over and do the jobs no one else wants to do from getting in. (Our modest PREZ won one before the liberal court, see SCOTUS)

9. BROTHER: 1. One’s male sibling. You know, the one you will never live up to no matter how hard you try. 2. Something white people call black people in the vain and self-serving hope implying that they are somehow “down with the struggle.” (Ain’t touching this one!)

10. BUMPERSTICKER: A statement on a piece of heavy paper backed with gummed adhesive and placed on the rear bumper of one’s car. Developed exclusively for self absorbed yuppie parents whose only acknowledgement of the existence of the trophy children they pawn off to the care of a nanny comes from letting the car behind them know that one of the little twerps was recently named Student of the Month. (Remember the Alamo and Engel Stadium)

Disclaimer

The comments in parenthesis to the right on the named topics are not the responsibility of the original author, James Napoli, however, if you need a little more excitement, you might purchase his expanded sequel, “The Official Dictionary To Sarcasm: Sex + Relationships.” (2013)

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If you have additional information about one of Mr. Summers' articles or have suggestions or ideas about a future Chattanooga area historical piece, please contact him at jsummers@summersfirm.com)