Almost all of my columns have been laser-focused on parenting. This one is a little different. A couple of months ago, I lost someone with whom I was super close, my cousin. I’m not exactly sure what number cousins we are beyond her grandfather and my grandmother being siblings.

She was the oldest of the second-generation Americans in our family, and I am the youngest. Maybe that’s why we were friends, which is far more important than how exactly we’re related. She also adored Kelly, referring to him as her favorite cousin, and she was the biggest cheerleader and champion of our sons.

I reached out to Jerry Buie, MSW, LCSW, to discuss the best ways to deal with grief, including within my role as a gay dad. Interestingly, he notes that whereas LGBTQ+ people are no more or less empathetic than others in society, research shows we might be more resilient because of the challenges we’ve faced as sexual or gender minorities. We also often choose family, and they can prove incredibly supportive as we process grief and loss on our own terms.

“Grief is a deeply individualized process, and while there is no universally ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve, it is crucial to recognize that certain coping mechanisms can be healthier than others,” he advised.

Those mechanisms should include giving yourself permission to have a wide range of emotions, from sadness to relief. Buie also suggests embracing healthy coping strategies, such as “expressing emotions, seeking support, engaging in rituals, caring for yourself, and allowing time to heal.”

It’s also important to remember that I’m not alone in my grief. Her husband, kids, grandkids, sisters, and countless others — like Kelly and our boys — are right there with me. Buie advises we should remember that everyone’s process is different. He says being a “compassionate witness” is the best way to support others. Encouraging fellow grievers to express their feelings and actively listening to them without judging or offering unrequested advice can be invaluable. “Your empathetic listening can help them feel validated and supported while they learn to adapt to their new reality without the loved one they have lost,” he says.

And that advice goes for my sons, too. Buie says, “it’s crucial for parents to actively support their children in navigating the grieving process. This begins with modeling their own feelings of grief, demonstrating that it’s normal to feel a range of emotions. Also, open communication is key to validating the child’s emotions.”

However, communication can also come with regrets. Too often, we fixate on the negative aspects, such as disagreements, ignored calls, or ill words. Buie counsels, “When addressing regrets during grief, it’s important to step back and consider the broader context of your relationship with the deceased. While isolated moments — like arguments or unreturned calls — can weigh heavily on our minds, they often don’t define the entirety of the relationship. Focusing on the bigger picture can help release some of the burden of regret and allows for honoring the memory of your loved one in a more holistic way.”

Although I’m still grieving, I’m extraordinarily grateful that my last substantive text with my cousin was simply to remind her that I love her to the ends of the Earth. In her reply, she assured me that it is mutual. That will always be enough for me.

A big thank you to Jerry Buie for his insights. You can contact him at 801-557-9203 or pridecounseling.tv.

Speaking of gratitude, I’m humbled that you once again selected me as Best Columnist in this year’s FABBY Awards. Yvonne would be very proud of me.