When we lived in the Bay Area, I had an acquaintance, Dale. He was a friend of a friend from the gym. Like me, he was originally from Utah. Unlike me, he was from a Mormon family, a very devout one to boot. He and all his brothers had been missionaries, his dad was a bishop, the whole shebang. Also, he wasn’t out.

One day, he asked if he could talk to me about something. He was soon headed to St. George for a family reunion, and he had decided to come out.  I think he wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok, especially with his parents.

His fear about parental rejection isn’t unique. Although the study is old, in 2013, Pew Research discovered that the top two reasons people don’t come out to their parents were: the subject had never come up; and they feared losing the parent-child relationship.

But what happens to that parent/child relationship when an adult child comes out, who is also a parent him/her/themselves? I spoke with Anne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div., a lesbian coach, speaker, podcast host, and author.

Zanzal notes, “Coming out later in life is rarely just one event, it is the unraveling and reconstructing of an entire identity built over decades. When someone comes out in midlife, they are often also leaving a marriage, renegotiating their relationship with faith and community, reconsidering their sense of self as a parent, a daughter, a friend — all at once.”

Parents have certain expectations and hopes for their kids. Seeing their children married and with little ones of their own often tops the list. When that reality changes, it can challenge everything they believed to be true about their family dynamic.

Most of the time, Zanzal advises that a parent come out to their children before their own parents. Along with kids deserving to hear it directly from their mom or dad, it also helps control the narrative. If grandparents know before the newly out parent’s kids, there’s too great of chance that information will be spread before everyone is ready.

Of course, there’s always the chance that one’s parents will not be supportive of this news. This reaction can spill over to the kids. In some cases, they may even be making hurtful comments or offering unrealistic hope that mom and dad may get back together, or that mom’s new girlfriend will be gone soon.

Zanzal says, “With children involved, the guiding principle is age-appropriate honesty. Simple language — Grandma and Grandpa are having a hard time understanding some things right now — is far less damaging than silence or confused half-explanations.”

The parent/adult child relationship can be difficult to navigate. Coming out to mom and dad after years of leading a straight life, complete with kids of your own, can really be a challenge. Just remember, it is your life and you need to be happy.

Perhaps the most important advice she suggests is to not “shrink yourself to protect your parents from their own discomfort. Give them time. A first reaction is almost never a final position. And remember, your need to live honestly is not a burden on them. It is an invitation into a more real relationship.”

In the end, Dale’s coming out proved to be much ado about nothing. Thankfully, they accepted him with open arms. They weren’t even all that surprised. No disrespect to him or his family, but they’d have had to be pretty clueless to think he liked women. Actually, I think they would’ve been more shocked if he’d come out as straight!

My thanks to Anne-Marie Zanzal. You can reach her at annemariezanzal.com  or support@annemariezanzal.com.