By Dan Savage - Oct. 17, 2024

I am a 28-year-oldcisgender sex-repulsed asexual gay man. While some asexuals choose to have sex for the pleasure it provides their partner, sex-repulsed asexuals like me do not engage in sexual activity and do not wish to be exposed to it. 

I feel alienated when I enter gay spaces like bars, parties, clubs, etc., where other gay men are kissing, grinding or worse. When gay sex is foregrounded like this, it makes gay men like me feel like we are not welcome in the community. And to answer the obvious question: I go to gay bars for many of the same reasons allosexual gay men go to gay bars — to socialize and feel safe and to meet potential romantic (not sexual) partners. I also go because gay hookup apps are terrible for everyone, but they’re especially terrible for asexual gay men.

I feel like there should be one night a week where gay bars are safe spaces for asexual gay men. I am curious what you think of my proposal and whether this is an idea that you would get behind.

— Gay Ace Gay Space

While there are roughly forty million men in the United States between the ages of 21 and 40 — age-appropriate potential romantic partners for a 28-year-old gay man — only 2% of those men are gay (800,000), only 1% of gay men are asexual (8,000), and only a small percentage of asexuals are sex-repulsed. You’re asking bars owners to set one night a week aside for asexual guys and their admirers and, I’m sorry, but there aren’t enough asexual guys for a night like that to pencil out. 

“GAGS should try gay sports leagues, gyms, meetup groups, book clubs, youth mentorship programs, supper clubs — all of those have the nonsexual vibe he wants,” said Jonathan, a regular commenter at Savage.Love who I’ve tapped to speak for all allosexual gay men everywhere. “And if there isn’t a scene he likes where he lives, he should create one. GAGS should focus on cultivating the environments he desires instead of asking other gay men to censor ourselves. We aren’t interested in being demure.”

I’m a 38-year-oldgay male. I recently got back on dating apps. I’m not unattractive, and I get a fair amount of hits when I post pictures. 

I’ve connected emotionally with a few guys who quickly expressed an interest in exploring something long-term with me. The problem is that I was diagnosed with terminal cancer years ago and not given long to live. I’ve made a miraculous recovery, but I still have cancer, and I’m told it’s still terminal. I could pass in weeks, months or after another couple of years. I haven’t lied to any of the men I’ve been chatting with, but I haven’t been entirely forthcoming with them either. 

I don’t know what to do. I want to feel normal, but I don’t want to string these guys along. 

— Cancer Announcement Now
Could End Relationships

First, CANCER, I’m so sorry about your diagnoses — but given that it’s been years since you were given months to live, I’m hoping you’ve gotten a second, third and fourth medical opinion.

Dating sites and hookup apps are crawling with fakes and flakes, CANCER. When someone you’ve never met claims they wanna explore a long-term commitment, that’s a red flag.

In that pile of responses you’ve gotten, CANCER, there are guys who are open to chatting but who aren’t trying to rush things — chat with them, block the others. 

Email your question for the column to [email protected]. Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Read more Savage Love from Boulder Weekly.

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