1. I “safeworded” out of a kink scene and my dom pouted for two days. Is that a red flag?

Doms who pout after subs use a safeword want their subs to hesitate to use their safewords in future scenes — which is a definite red flag. Basically, any dom who responds to the use of a safeword with anything other than an expression of genuine concern, an openness to constructive feedback, and an immediate offer of ice cream isn’t a dom you want to see again.

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2 What book do you recommend for someone just beginning to explore the dom/sub relationship?

I would recommend Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, both volumes of The Funny Dom’s Guide to Kink by The Funny Dom, and Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. You could also follow Lina “Ask a Sub” Dune, who hosts a podcast and writes a newsletter (where you can find her terrific advice columns), and Alesandra of Dom/Sub Living, who blogs, memes and teaches courses on dom/sub relationships.

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3. I am a (mostly? formerly?) straight man in a blue city in Texas, but lately my sexuality and kinks have been changing every day. One day Latinas, one day short girls, one day girls into impact play. Then a 5’1” femboy messaged me on Reddit about being my sub. Where do I find these short and feminine adult boys that are into daddies?

You can meet plenty of people who claim to be 5’1” femboys on the Internet. While some of the femboys on Reddit and hookup apps might be who they claim to be and willing to meet up with a hot daddy, some are probably 6’2” masculine dudes or 5’2” cis women who fantasize about being femboys and won’t want to meet up with you in real life.

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4. I've started seeing someone recently. They're cute and I enjoy their company, but they use a lot of cologne, and it's really hurting my desire to be physical with them. The trajectory we've been on has been towards a friends-with-benefits sort of situation at best. Should I say something or back away?

Asking someone to use less cologne is like asking someone to use less cocaine: they’re going to react defensively, deny using too much and accuse you of being the one with a problem. So, unless this person is someone you’re hoping to get serious about — and it doesn’t sound like they are — it’s not worth it.

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5. Is it unethical to preemptively block people on Grindr who I know I would never consider fucking?

A man gets on Grindr because he’s looking for dick and/or ass right now — and if your dick and/or ass isn’t available to him, blocking him is a courtesy, as it frees up room on his grid for guys whose dicks and/or asses are available.

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Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Read more Savage Love

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