By Dan Savage - Mar. 27, 2025

I’m a single gay man who hasn’t touched anybody for 16 years. I did something stupid in 1998 and had sex in a hot tub. I ended up having surgery because of an infection. Ever since when I ejaculate, what comes out is a combination of sperm and urine because an internal flap no longer closes to stop the urine. The urologist and my surgeon said there was nothing they could do to fix the problem. 

Men find this absolutely disgusting. What advice or suggestions do you have to explain this to potential partners, even though I've said I want to please them only. 

— Canadian Urgently Missing Sex

Having penetrative sex in a hot tub is riskier than having sex on dry land or a damp mattress or a hard countertop. Heavily chlorinated water dries out sensitive tissues, making abrasions and STI transmission more likely, and water containing potentially harmful bacteria can be forced into the urethra during intercourse, heightening the risk of urinary tract infections in both men and women.

With that warning out of the way, CUMS, can I ask when you last spoke to a doctor about your condition? While artificial urinary sphincters have been available for more than 50 years, the doctors you saw back in 1998 might not have been aware of them. These devices have gotten smaller (and the surgery has gotten less invasive) over the last three decades. 

You also might wanna seek out different kinds of gay and bi men. There are lots of queer men out there into “no recip” oral. There are also plenty of guys out there who are into piss, and if I were to biohazard a guess, CUMS, I’d say a statistically significant percentage of those guys would view your condition not as a tragic defect, but as an exciting superpower.

A friend of ours (my husband’s and mine) recently started dating a woman. Our friend met his new girlfriend’s kid very early in the relationship, even spending the night after only knowing this woman for a couple of months. Within six months of dating, they shared the kid’s toothbrush on a vacation. They didn't say they boiled the toothbrush or took any measures to clean the toothbrush until weeks later when they were pressed on it. 

This is when we started to distance ourselves, because we felt this behavior showed a lack of respect for this child. We had a severe falling out. Now they are engaged, and it raises even more concerns for us. How do we proceed? 

— Unhygienic Gross Humans

While I got letters about grosser things this week, yours was the most surprising letter that came in the mail for two reasons: First, that your friend would tell you about using this child’s toothbrush on vacation and, second, that you would write to me — a sex-advice columnist — about your friend using this child’s toothbrush.

For the record, UGH, I agree that introducing a child to a new partner after two months is inadvisable and using someone else’s toothbrush on vacation because you forgot your own is equal parts gross and unnecessary.

To be perfectly honest, UGH, I don’t really care whether you reconcile with your friend or not, just please spare me from any and all updates about your friend’s oral hygiene going forward.

Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Read more Savage Love

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