Advice from NP: Millennials threw out the wedding rule book, so the right thing to do is to think less about tradition and more about transparency. Ask!

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

What are the rules these days around who pays for what at weddings?

Our daughter is getting married this year. She’s a millennial who has been with her partner for some time. I mention the millennial bit because she is not traditional at all. In fact, I was surprised they were getting married. They live together, have bought a house together, and both have good incomes.

The wedding is in another city from where we live, and they are organizing all of it. But as the bride’s parents, are there certain things we should pay for? Or at least offer? What about his parents?

Any suggestions on how to handle?

Mother-of-the-Bride

First, mazel tov.

Remember when weddings came with an invitation and a date? Well, millennials rewrote the wedding rules. Then Gen Z changed them even more.

Now weddings come with a website, a password, and enough financial guesswork to make parents break out in hives. Or at least mild eye twitches.

The timing of your question couldn’t be better. Yesterday, I received a beautiful wedding invitation. Tucked inside was a card directing me to a wedding website, complete with an access code. An access code! Like, logging into online banking!

Modern weddings are emotionally confusing and financially unclear. Parents don’t know whether they’re guests, hosts, sponsors or unpaid interns.

These younger generations threw out the old rules and replaced them with, “whatever feels right for us.”

That is wonderful for the happy couple, but less wonderful when you’re a mother of the bride trying to determine, usually at 2. a.m. lying awake, whether you’re expected to fund the open bar. Or just show up and applaud.

Once upon a time, the bride’s parents paid. The groom’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner. Everyone pretended this arrangement made perfect sense while secretly wondering who invented it.

At least there were rules. Now there aren’t.

Today, the financial expectations aren’t one-size-fits-all, which is progress. The problem is nobody can agree on what replaced them.

I know several mothers of the bride currently walking on eggshells, terrified of asking a perfectly reasonable question like, “What are our financial roles here?”

Who contributes, to what and how much has become a mystery more complicated than seating charts, because parents over the age of fifty never received an updated memo from their adult engaged children on financial terms and conditions in regard to modern weddings.

Millennials and generation Z aren’t opposed to financial help. They’re opposed to financial help that comes with conditions and control.

They’re not saying, “Keep your money.” They’re saying, “Keep your money if it comes with opinions about the guest list, the venue and the centrepieces.” Sigh.

The right thing to do nowadays is to think less about “tradition” and think more about “transparency.” Don’t assume. Ask!

Financial contributions are no longer expected, but they’re usually appreciated. Try, “We’d love to contribute. What would be most helpful?” Be specific and say,”I’d love to cover the photographer.” Or “I’d love to pay for your dress.” Or “I’d like to pay for the cake” Offer what feels comfortable to you and leave room for your daughter to decide what feels comfortable for her.

And have a conversation with the groom’s parents, too. You don’t need a summit meeting. You just need enough communication, or 30 awkward minutes, to prevent everyone from operating under wildly different expectations about who’s paying for the late-night food trucks.

As you pointed out, this isn’t a couple starting their life together. They already started.

Your daughter’s generation moved in together first, bought a house second, adopted a rescue dog and named him Marshall third, renovated the kitchen fourth, purchased an espresso machine worth more than my first car fifth, and then casually announced, “Oh, we’re getting married.”

Excuse me? Which is why I wonder if this isn’t really about money. Even you pointed out you were surprised they were getting married.

Maybe the real question isn’t, “What do I contribute?” Maybe it’s, “What is my role?”

Two very different questions. Maybe part of you imagined more involvement, more mother-daughter moments, more opportunities to help, which is all 100 per cent normal.

But this isn’t you being left out. Think of it as proof you raised a human capable of building a life on her own. From one mother to another, please don’t measure your role in dollars.

Perhaps one day there will be a new, universally accepted understanding as to who pays for what. Unfortunately, that day is not today, and today’s parents —including you — are the transition generation. Mothers-of-brides (and grooms) today are pretty much guinea pigs.

But this is their day. Their marriage. Their rules. Your job — and biggest contribution — is to enjoy it.

So, the right thing to do is let them pay for the flowers, the photographer or even the late-night poutine station. It can be a beautiful way of saying, “Thank you for everything you did to get me here.”

P.S. To my daughter Rowan, and every millennial and gen Z couple reading this: Respectfully, sometimes parents don’t want control. Sometimes they just want to feel included.

Love, Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She believes advice should come with humour, compassion, and the occasional reality check. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your questions anonymously by clicking here.

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