Once, when the boys were little, we stopped at a red light next to a newly built assisted living center. Gus commented on how big it was. I explained that the residents likely had their own rooms, there was probably a large dining hall, a rec room, and an exercise area. After thinking for a second, he announced that when I got old, he wasn’t going to put me in a place like that. He was putting me somewhere with two to three other guys in a room; he wasn’t going to spend that kind of money on me!

The fact of the matter is that LGBTQ+ parents may have to transition into an assisted living or retirement community one day, and their kids will likely help decide which one. That move is difficult for anyone; being gay brings a whole different set of concerns.

I spoke with Afton January, the communications and PR manager at Salt Lake County Aging and Adult Services, to learn what the kids of gay parents should keep in mind when helping with this type of move. She suggests a good starting point is to review the community’s policies to see how they define inclusion and discrimination, to see if sexual orientation and gender identity are specifically listed.  She also advises asking if staff are trained on LGBTQ+ cultural competency and what that entails, and don’t hesitate to ask if that training is universal, encompassing everyone who works there – from the caregivers to the front desk people, dining staff, security, and housekeeping.

January adds, “Observe the culture of the community. Are there LGBTQ+ residents currently living there? Does the community recognize Pride Month or have affinity groups that are inclusive and affirming? Notice inclusive language on marketing materials and intake forms. Are there options aside from ‘husband/wife’ or ‘mother/father?’”

She also notes that it may be a good idea to ask about accountability if a staff member uses inappropriate language or behavior. And don’t forget to review their residents’ rights statement.

“Be sure to tour any communities or facilities you are considering and find out whether there are residents or residents’ loved ones you can talk with to get an idea of their experiences.”

Moving to a new community can be frightening and potentially force LGBTQ+ parents back into the closet as they try to navigate a new living situation. They can face a litany of threats ranging from homophobia to mistreatment by staff.

“First, understand that these are real and valid concerns for your older loved ones,” January adds. “Take them just as seriously as you would other safety considerations and respect that your loved one may not want to be ’outed’ in the process of interviewing communities. Be sure to ask about the process for grievances with both staff and other residents. Ultimately, trust your gut. If answers to questions feel vague or dismissive, keep looking. “

She also reminded me that LGBTQ+ people’s past experiences of rejection or invisibility can lead to deep feelings of isolation in a new living setting. Something so simple as being paired with an appropriately chosen community peer member can help mom or dad feel less like an outsider. So can “recommending diverse programming, affirming reading materials and artwork in shared spaces,” January suggests.

In the end, Gus decided that he wasn’t going to put me in a home at all. He’d let his wife take care of me. Boy, am I nice to his girlfriend!

Thanks to Afton January for her insights. You can learn more about Aging and Adult Services and all they’re doing for the LGBTQ+ community at saltlakecounty.gov/aging.