By Dan Savage - Jul. 25, 2024

Photo by Tamas Pap on Unsplash

For the longest time I've been into the feederism kink. It’s specifically the weight gain aspect of this kink — making myself or others bigger — that turns me on. I've always felt uneasy about this due to the health risks and have kept it hidden.

I recently got a wonderful girlfriend, our relationship is great, and we have really great sex. She's curvy but wants to lose weight. I also want to lose weight with her and for both of us to be healthy. But occasionally I'm overcome with the urge to get into weight gain kink play. I told my girlfriend about my kink, and although she accepts it and accepts me, she doesn't want to pursue anything related to it. When I feel the need to indulge this fetish, I scratch the itch with strangers I meet online. I wish I could just turn this part of me off and enjoy the wonderful relationship that I have. 

Can a fetish like this be made to fade over time or am I just going to try and focus on other things when these urges come on?

— Can I Yuck My Own Yum?

Unlike old soldiers, kinks don’t fade away, CIYMOY. A kinky person — particularly a kinky person in a relationship with a vanilla partner who can’t or won’t go there — needs an outlet that allows them to explore their kinks in a safe and controlled manner. Without that outlet, a kinkster will seize or create an opportunity to get their kink on, often with a disinhibiting assist from drugs and alcohol, and these seized opportunities have a much greater chance of blowing up lives and destroying relationships.

Seeing as your girlfriend already knows about your kink, CIYMOY, she must know that you’re having a wank about it once in a while. And if not getting to act out your fantasies IRL is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with her, allowing you to explore your kinks with strangers on the Internet is the price she should pay, and pay happily, to be with you.

My partner and I enthusiastically adopted your #fuckfirst philosophy (having sex before big, romantic outings like Valentine’s Day dinner) and doing so has improved our lives immeasurably! But I have noticed that on social occasions when it’s not an option, I often find myself feeling disconnected and prone to being testy with my partner. Is our relationship too dependent on sex?

I couldn’t tell you — but if you stay together long enough, i.e., if you’re together into advanced old age, you’ll find out.

How can a girl help her vanilla husband get more comfortable being an aggressive Dom top sometimes?

A friend complained about her husband’s inability to dominate her properly a few years ago — he was doing what she asked, but that’s all. “It feels like he’s going through ‘topping’ motions,” she texted me, “but I need a top with an agenda.”

A year later, the same woman raved to me about her husband’s topping skills. Turns out, he just needed some time to get comfortable in the dominant role and a better, almost instinctive feel for what his wife wanted before he felt comfortable improvising.

Give your husband detailed instructions, then give him time.

Read more Savage Love on Boulder Weekly

Jul. 2, 2025

We were deep into talking politics and music when I glanced at our table at Cirrus Social Club and noticed the tall glass bong sitting next to the caprese toast and a glass of sparkling water. I had ...

Jun. 26, 2025

I’m going through a divorce and connected with a long-ago boyfriend in a similar boat. We started a long-distance relationship and were fairly serious.  His particular kink is he wants his part...

Jun. 26, 2025

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Hawaiian word pō refers to a primal darkness from which all life flows. It’s not a fearsome void, but a fertile mystery, rich with future possibilities and the ances...

Jun. 17, 2024@10:56pm

So-called “dark money” has entered the…

Jun. 12, 2024@10:13pm

Picture in your mind’s eye the…

Jun. 12, 2024@9:29pm

Movement Workshop6:30-7:30 p.m. Thursday, June 13,…