By Dan Savage - Aug. 8, 2024

I’m a 26-year-old cis woman who works from home. I’m going on a business trip later this month. I’ll be sharing a room with one other person. Thing is, I snore. Should I tell my roommate before going to sleep on the first night so they can prepare? Maybe buy some earplugs or something if needed? Or am I overthinking this? 

— Seeking Notes On Respectful Etiquette

I don’t think this is a Savage Love question.

But I appreciate everyone who sends me a question, SNORE, so here’s some advice for you: Tell the person you’re bunking with about your snoring before the trip so they can buy some earplugs and/or make a case to your bosses for private rooms. As a courtesy, SNORE, you should also pack some earplugs and offer them to your roommate.

My very good friend is a gay man with extreme sexual interests involving domination, submission and body modifications. He worries he will never meet his “dream sub” because he wants to partner with a man who is willing to undergo a “nulloplasty” and become his personal “nullo.” (A “nullo” is a cisgender man who has had his penis and his testicles surgically removed.) I suggested he could expand his pool of potential partners by dating trans gay men who haven’t had bottom surgery. He would not consider it. 

While he agrees that trans men are men and many trans men are his type, his dream sub is cis man willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for him and “give up” his genitals. I think he might have more luck finding someone if was at least open to the idea of dating one of the many gay trans men active in the large kink community in the city where he lives. Am I correct?

— The Ultimate Sacrifice

Now that’s a Savage Love question.

There’s not much data on this — here’s the handful of studies I found about men who wanna be nullos — but I’m guessing there are more gay trans men on this planet who might be willing to indulge your friend’s fantasies during role play than there are cis gay men willing to have their cocks and balls surgically removed to give their boyfriend a thrill. Even controlling for differing population sizes — there are a lot more cis gay men than there are trans gay men — I’m guessing there are fewer gay cis men willing to “sacrifice” their cocks and balls than trans gay men willing to indulge a fucking freak in fucked up dirty talk.

Whether your friend dates cis gay men or trans gay men, he needs to bear in mind that what he’s asking — from the universe, from a future potential partner — is huge. And if your friend is a “nice” sadist, TUS, he won’t romance cis gay men who don’t wannabe nullos and then spring this on them after they’ve an emotional investment in him. And he won’t spring this on trans gay men either, TUS, since asking a trans man to pretend he once had the genitals he wishes he was born with removed could be highly triggering

There are cis men out there who want, for their own reasons, to undergo the nullification process. But the wannabe nullo population is a tiny one, TUS. And even if your friend were to find someone, surely that’s not the only thing your friend wants out of (or off of) the man that he marries. Presumably the guy of his dreams would also be someone he was attracted to emotionally, someone who wanted the same things from life, etc. Relationships, while enhanced by sexual fantasies, are more than sexual fantasies.

Look, there’s no settling down without settling for. When it comes to extreme kinks like your friend’s kink, the best someone can hope for is a partner willing to engage in a little role play. Role playing a scenario this extreme is going to be a challenge for most people, TUS, so if your friend finds a guy who’s willing to pretend he’s a nullo for him, your friend should regard that not just as a win, but as a miracle.

P.S. A cis gay man can just easily indulge your friend’s fantasy during role play as a trans gay man. Cis men can tuck it, as drag queens have been demonstrating for years, and as that one Olympic pole vaulter learned recently.

Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love or from Boulder Weekly.

Jul. 2, 2025

We were deep into talking politics and music when I glanced at our table at Cirrus Social Club and noticed the tall glass bong sitting next to the caprese toast and a glass of sparkling water. I had ...

Jun. 26, 2025

I’m going through a divorce and connected with a long-ago boyfriend in a similar boat. We started a long-distance relationship and were fairly serious.  His particular kink is he wants his part...

Jun. 26, 2025

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Hawaiian word pō refers to a primal darkness from which all life flows. It’s not a fearsome void, but a fertile mystery, rich with future possibilities and the ances...

Jun. 17, 2024@10:56pm

So-called “dark money” has entered the…

Jun. 12, 2024@10:13pm

Picture in your mind’s eye the…

Jun. 12, 2024@9:29pm

Movement Workshop6:30-7:30 p.m. Thursday, June 13,…