(post was deleted from the polyamory reddit, under accusations of.... STI talk? but I'm desperate for help here. Just to clarify there is no STI talk.)

I'm seeking help and I can't really find resources online about transitioning from polyamory to monogamy (only the reverse). This gets a little more complicated though.

TL/DR: Mutually closed the relationship due to my anxieties and fears + trauma. However: I don't want to be monogamous and controlling. Help me help myself so I can help my relationship.

Long form, with backstory:

Me, 27 year old female, and my partner, also a 27 year old female - long distance partnership, (of whom if you come across this, that's fine, I told you I'd be doing research and putting my all into figuring things out) have agreed to close our relationship.

At my request.

I've been practicing polyamory since middle school, weirdly. No they weren't at all on the deep levels of actual adult polyamory but it's something I've always wanted. Monogamy was never on the table, until about two months ago when the brain worms began to speak to me. Me and partner, whom we will call Lucky, have been flirting and yearning to be together for half a decade. Six years of waiting for each other. We met when I was in a triad, my affection for her causing problems with my partners unspoken one-penis-policy. I ignored this, it was his issue to work on. At the time Lucky was monogamous and our musings were simply playful lust and affection seeking. So I knew it was a flirtation-ship at best, and any feelings should be treated as such. (I was 22. Leave me be about "you can't control feelings." lol)

My triad ended in flames and trauma ranging from domestic abuse and severe wounds to my core. Lucky found a partner at that time, and still being monogamous, that's all she wrote. I met someone else and fell madly in love. The flirtations with Lucky continued once their relationship ended, and my partner was also polyamorous but asexual, so completely unbothered.

The new partner I had was afflicted with untreated mental health issues that eventually lead to such severe abuse of my person I fell into a victimhood of "leave me and I'll kill myself" - shame, guilt, self hatred. Around this time Lucky had opened up after research into polyamory, but I was in no place to pursue her. I was 24-ish at this time and still madly in love with her, compound the abuse going on at home, I knew if I met her in person I wouldn't want to leave. At my own discretion I allowed myself to fade from her life as to not harm the volatile individual I was nesting with via vocalizing a desire to nest with someone else.

My partnership then went ablaze violently. I took a long time to recover, and when I did I began to be a unicorn for another couple. It was consensually casual, and since the previous partnership Ive informed every partner about Lucky and I's complex relationship, and the fact that they can request any boundary they want, but Lucky is a non-negotiable and will come first in my life. The couple understood, as it was the same for them, so no issues. My other long distance partner was also well aware of Lucky's complicated status (and at this point I've loved her for almost 4 complete years). The time with the couples was when I reached out to Lucky wanting to evolve our partnership from comets to commited partners, I was rejected. Not by her, but by one of her other partners. I barely knew the other partner and Lucky's relationship with them was incredibly new... But I accepted it. Disgusted with myself for feeling jealousy, stressed, and full of self hatred, I handled the rejection as best as I could. Lucky would tell you I handled it beautifully.

That was nearly a year and half ago now. The couple I was with closed their relationship, and I moved on. I supported Lucky's polycule as best as I could during this time. I will not elaborate much on her struggle or my ex-metamours, but for sake of context: one of the two broke severe boundaries with Lucky, and left the polycule. The other stuck around a little longer before choosing to pursue someone else monogamously. Reasons for why are speculative.

Lucky took time to recover, I supported her through it, and eventually. Inevitably. We solidified things as a dedicated partnership.

Now things start getting heavy.

For me, six years (almost seven) came rushing forward. The longing, the yearning, being allowed to unabashedly express my desire. We've played with the idea of nesting in the past, touched the idea of marriage but as a partnership now it's reached unpredictable levels. The essential guarantee of marriage, talk of children, which up until a few months ago was a non-negotiable.

Then the idea of anyone else but her touching me caused panic. The idea of someone's hands on my skin, even non-intimately, makes me want to crawl out of my skin and fillet it myself. I've been coping with these thoughts for a while, vocalizing them to Lucky who has supported me beautifully. In the past month the thoughts have become unbearable. Past traumas flooding to the surface of being forced to be an exciting new toy for someone and tossed aside for something easier (exemplified by the status of long distance). The fear of Lucky finding another partner and that relationship failing so miraculously that it leaves her so wounded it effects my relationship with her after six years of yearning fills me with dread, I can't be there to even help her.

I talked with her this morning, stating my distress and... I finally stopped beating around it with simple fears and stated it as a request to close things, at least, for now. I cried over the fear of "what if I don't want it open again?" - she's polyamorous too, hasn't been for very long herself. I feel controlling, insanely guilty. Selfish. Everything I don't want to be. I don't want to be monogamous, I've only ever had one monogamous relationship and it was in childhood. Lucky has done amazingly at comforting me through my feelings and what I call the brain worms and I couldn't be more grateful.

I don't want to lose the past 6-7 years of being madly in love, I don't want to lose the future of nesting and marriage which I've always wanted but I also don't want her to sacrifice a piece of herself that would make her happy just to feed my demons. It could be NRE still from officiating things compounded with intensity of yearning, or it could be for keeps. I can't tell the future. This is so... Terrifyingly new to me. We're long distance, with maybe 4-6 hours of communication open a day already. The idea that she would chose to have intimacy with someone during what little time we get hurts so violently. We have plans to see each other in person (finally) come spring. No idea if it will help or hinder this mindset I'm currently on. I know things would be so much clearer if we saw each other every day, visual cues of true commitment with intimacy and a sense of realness.

I don't know what to do, where to look for resources. I don't want to ask her to maintain monogamy for me when she deserves connections uncontrolled by someone else, but it doesn't matter how much I intellectualize it, the worms scream. She also doesn't want to lose me, she has made this so abundantly clear. I would hate myself if resentment builds without her knowing because of my request. For hells sake to immigrate it would cost us more money than either of us would know what to actually do with. If Lucky wanted something easier, it would have never been me.

What I'm hoping for: even if my want for monogamy is for keeps, I want to have the ability to be comfortable with her polyamory. I've heard the horror stories, I know, maybe it's poly-saturated at 1 for me compound severe fears another connection will prioritize and sabotage a mutual dream me and Lucky share.

Resources, anyone? Advice? Affirmations, even? I'll take anything at this point. I want so ferally for this relationship to stay in my life with minimal suffering for both of us.

Apologies for the long post, friends. Thank you for reading.